Being Strong

So I know I haven't been around (the blog) much lately, which most likely comes as no surprise. But I'm just going to jump right into life right now.

I know blogs are supposed to be something where you can share any and all thoughts you want to, almost like a diary..... but that's on the Internet.... that anyone can read... including creepers... But that's not what worries me about sharing my feelings. It worries me that my family reads my blog. Not that I'm not open and honest with them about things because I am. But I don't like them to know when I'm feeling weak. I don't like them to worry about me. (But just so everyone is clear, I am allowed to worry about them!)

I remember when Ray and I came home (Missouri) for Christmas and it felt so good to be back surrounded by my family and friends. I truly didn't want that time to end and it was so incredibly hard for me to say goodbye. As I choked back my tears, I knew that people were looking to me to be strong. I feel like that was the first lesson of dating someone in the military - you have to be strong. It's something that we no longer have any choice about. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm expected to be strong. So when Ray and I stopped in Kentucky for the night at my brother and sister-in-laws house, my "strength" was nearly completely broken when my nephew reluctantly gave Ray and I  hug goodbye and he very adamantly said "No! No!!" not wanting us to leave. It almost broke my heart. I was tired of having to be strong and say goodbye to my loved ones.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I realized how lucky I am to have the family I do, but I know it was some time in college. I am truly blessed beyond words. And now I'm getting a little off topic.

Often times life has been compared to a book, so I'll stick with that illustration (haha, get it, illustration!! Ok, ok... lame I know!) We have many chapters in our lives, and right now I'm beginning the "Deployment" chapter. I reeeeeeally want to skip this chapter, or skim through it, or do something to make it go by faster. Ray has only been gone a short while, and already I feel weak. I'm generally feeling good and strong and happy and cheerful during the day, but at night I feel exactly the opposite. All I want to do is curl up and watch a movie with my hubby. Hey, I'd even take him falling asleep on the floor in front of me. I just want it to be done and over with.

But I can't let myself think like that. I have to look at this situation and know our relationship will be stronger having gone through this. I have to remember my goals for myself while he is away. And I have to kick this deployment's butt.

One of my goals during this time is to blog more - please don't hold your breath because we all can see my history or blogging (or lack there-of). But also, please know that I am always striving to remain strong and positive on the outside, even if the inside of me is the exact opposite. Fake it til you make it right?

I'm not going to end this blog on a sad note, because frankly that's no fun at all! So here you go! This always makes me giggle :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YQpbzQ6gzs

Sending my love,
~Suzanne